by "Emma"
18 November 2006

Source: http://ocmb.xenu.net/ocmb/viewtopic.php?t=21305

I was doing a little housekeeping on my [com]puter today and discovered my old posts to a.r.s from years ago. There was one in particular that caught my eye. I wrote the following on 7th October 2002 just 2 days after my 34th birthday. I had just had a very rough week and was going through some tough withdrawal symptoms.

When you get really involved in the [Church of Scientology] for a few years and have soaked up the data like a thirsty sponge and haven't had time to notice whether it really works or not, your whole thought pattern changes.

You now think you have the answers to questions that men have asked since the dawn of time. You think you know everything and you are powerful. You think there is no situation that you and "source" together can't handle. You pity the poor "wog" who is wondering around in the MEST universe without a clue as to how or why he is here. You know he is really in a terrible state and it's up to you to help him. Only you and your group of courageous OT's have enough confront to bring about the necessary changes to bring man his spiritual freedom.

You are changed forever. You are educated in the only technology that can save man. You have taken on the huge responsibility to clear the planet and the whole of mankind depends on you. You are strong and brave and armed with all the tech you need.

Then one day something happens....

I like Tory's analogy of the Truman show. Somehow a crack appears. You start to open your eyes and look. And if you look hard and far enough you find your entire illusion is shattered.

Well some people it seems handle this well. Others do not.

If you saw the Truman show you would remember there was a lots of people clapping and cheering when Truman found his way out. Everyone was very happy for him and thought that he can now start to live his life. There is only one problem with this and that lies with Truman.

How was he now supposed to react? His entire existence was a lie. How would he now know who to trust? What to believe? Who to believe? The more he found out about his cruel deception, the more confused and unstable he would have become.

Everyone has "stable data". When that is taken away it leaves the person very unstable. All the things they previously took for "givens" are no longer stable or true. The line between truth and reality becomes very blurred. The person loses their confidence and ability to handle situations.

If you were lacking in confidence (as I was) before you joined Scientology, and you gained a lot of confidence by being an important contributor to this brave and mighty group, how does it leave you feeling when that confidence is shattered as soon as the illusion is shattered? It leaves you in a worse state than before you ever joined.

All the questions you had about the universe and your role in it, that you thought were answered, are more mysterious than before. If you are like me you are back to square one but also feeling badly burned.

I thought I knew who and what I was. I thought I knew my purpose here on this planet. I thought I had the answers. I thought I was really clever to have discovered this tech and religion. I had a solid group of like-thinking friends who understood me perfectly and forgave my shortcomings because we all KNEW what was behind our failures and we were all working to eradicate it. Yes I was miserable with the conditions and pay and Ethics trips etc, but at least I thought I was doing it all for a lofty purpose.

After you hit the wall in the Scio/Truman show you have no other choice but to leave, just like Truman had no choice. But it is not some movie this time. It's real life and it's happening to you.

So don't be surprised at any strange feeling or emotional rollercoasters you encounter on your voyage out of the [Church of Scientology]. I am continually surprised at the range of emotions I feel every day. I pendulum swing wildly from day to day on how I feel about the CoS and LRH.

My only advice to you is to keep reading. Keep posting. Keep asking questions.

Finding out "who you really are" is much harder out of the CoS because there are no rules to follow. For the first time you really will find out who you really are.

I'm not there yet but am making progress.

I've raved on enough.

I hope I've helped.

Regards,

Emma

Re-reading this post today shocked me. I'd forgotten how much pain & confusion I was in. I'd forgotten about the enormity of the struggle that exes face. So much changes in 4 years, yet it happens so slowly that you can lose sight of the progress.

I posted this to a.r.s the other day. The contrast (to me anyway) is very obvious.

If it wasn't for the internet:

David [Miscavige] wouldn't have announced the launch of the Scientology & Dianetics web sites on the internet to "wipe out the SP's presence". I didn't even know what the internet was at that time. Later that week I went to an internet cafe and learnt how to log onto a site. I only looked at Scientology.org and Dianetics.org but it was a start.

I wouldn't have noticed the PTS declare on Mike Balint on the Melbourne Org's notice board. He was in big trouble for being "involved" with SP activity on the internet. I became curious about what all the fuss was about.

I wouldn't have had to deal with Div 6 PCs being blown off because they read entheta on the net. I had to listen to some of the claims being made on the net from these individuals. I didn't believe any of it at the time but it did concern me.

I wouldn't have noticed DSA Mary Anderson talking about the "hate site" Operation Clambake before muster one morning.

I wouldn't have gone out and bought a very cheap, very old PC with a modem and asked a fellow Scientologist to hook me up to the internet so I could learn about this new thing everyone was talking about. Truthfully, I wanted to search for recipes, but in the back of my mind I knew one day I'd be tempted to look for info on Scientology.

I wouldn't have had anywhere to look for information when the situation at my Org grew so intolerable that I thought I was going crazy and knew there was something very wrong.

I couldn't have typed the word "scientology" into a search engine and found the information I needed to shatter my illusion.

I wouldn't ever have known the truth about Hubbard, his lies and his evil creation.

I would never have known I was involved in a cult. And I would not have had the courage to leave.

I would never have read stories from hundreds of other people who were just like me who had escaped the mental trap and were living happier lives.

I would never have realised I wasn't alone.

I would never have made lifelong friends who understood what I had gone through and where I had to go.

I wouldn't have had anyone to ask questions of, anyone to challenge my beliefs or anyone to point me to documented evidence that showed me what a fool I'd been and what sort of a trap my "friends" were still in.

I would not have had the courage to get a wog job and start my life over.

I would not have stopped my husband from putting my daughter into a Scientology school. She now attends a great school, has lots of friends and is learning about all different types of religions and beliefs.

I would not have realised that my marriage was based on a phoney "religion" and that once you took the indoctrination away, nothing was left. I am now free of that.

I would not have had access to thousands of pages of information about education, help for single parents, university courses and jobs.

I would not have a sane, un-indoctrinated child, a good job, a nice car, live in a lovely apartment, have nice furniture and own a dog. I would never have had the time to walk a dog.

I would not have been able to afford trips to the dentist, optometrist or family doctor for me or my daughter. I now have properly prescribed glasses and no more tooth aches.

I would not be enrolling in a diploma course (starting in February) at a highly respected university to study a subject I love - DIPLOMA OF INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY (WEB DESIGN AND MULTIMEDIA)

I can say without a second's hesitation that the internet saved my life.

Thank you to every single person who owns or hosts a site, told their story or posts to newsgroups and message boards.

As Dr Touretzky likes to say:

"No wonder Scientology HATES the internet".

- Emma

Congratulations if you managed to read all that. It's a bit of a longwinded way to say that recovery DOES occur. It can be slow and tedious and you might not notice, but if you follow your heart and just do the best you can, the rest will follow.

- Itsaline / Emma