"Those are her lips? I thought she was eating raw liver!"
Last update: 22 April 1999
LATEST NEWS: More signs that Helena is being deprived of sleep by her Scientology bosses.
(email@example.com) is a lawyer representing the Religious
Technology Center, a branch of the Scientology
empire. In her job as an indefatigable defender of the "Bridge to
Total Freedom", she has touched
the lives of many Internet users and become something of a cult figure (ha
ha) in alt.religion.scientology
and alt.usenet.kooks. In the
service of Scientology, she has sent repeated e-mails threatening dozens
netizens with legal action (here's just one
example), attempted to eradicate
and even threatened legal action against the whole
This page is a tribute to the many welcome (cough) contributions that has made to open communication on the 'net and to the upholding of ethics (cough) in the legal profession. It was created in response to a threat of legal action from against the author, Martin Poulter, and his university. For more background, see Alison Frankel's excellent American Lawyer article from 1996 which cites this page!
gives Dennis Erlich
the Scientology "death stare".
tells a few little white lies.
is deprived of sleep.
Helena goes beserk during a deposition, assaulting an opponent and tearing up evidence!
is deprived of sleep again (we think).
's activities often backfire in a disastrous way. By threatening one netizen with legal action, she proved the authenticity of the OT documents, refuting her own side's claim that the documents on the Internet are not the real thing. By taking legal action against Zenon Panoussis in Sweden, she forced the disputed documents into the court record, and hence the public domain, for eternity.
is told where to get off by Grady
Ward, henry, Farrell
Griffith, Kevan Smith and The Grand Clavister.
admits she doesn't know who J.R. "Bob" Dobbs is!
foolishly dares to confront "Jesse Garon" ...twice!
gets cloned by The Usenet Oracle, B. Weiner, Keith Spurgeon and Troutman.
earns a dubious compliment from Lewiz De Payne.
The most remarkable rebuttal that has
received came from another member of her profession, Norwegian lawyer Knut
Vigeland. You'll be speechless!
Netizens continue to treat 's threats with the contempt they deserve, notably Ex Mudder and the greek journalist Tony Bosnakoudis.
interviewed by the BBC.
writes to The American Lawyer denying that Scientology exhibits paranoia
writes to the St. Petersburg Times in disgust at an anti-Scientology article.
makes dubious use of a Netcom account.
misleads netizens about the origin of the NOTS documents.
american citizen's house.
wins Kook of
Month for August 1995, joining the celebrated ranks of
is fined for bringing a frivolous lawsuit.
sings her little heart out:
lawsuit over "Modern Legal Criminal".
almost has a very merry Christmas.
audits a tomato and then breathes fire
gets her own Internet fan club
gets her own television series.
dares to take
the amazing Grady Ward yet again.
asks a Scientology opponent about clams.
is dismissed from the California Bar. Okay, she hasn't been yet, but if you have received threatening mail from her, you can use this form to lodge a complaint. Specific things you can complain about include the use of unsigned e-mail instead of proper forms of legal service, the distortion and misrepresentation of important facts, such as the results of previous court cases, and the obviously unreasonable demands she makes (such as that people remove Usenet postings "from the Internet").
Alt.religion.scientology participant John M. Esparolini claims in a post made on January 31, 1998 that Helena has been disciplined by the California State Bar Association. If she is disciplined three times, then she can be disbarred.
Despite Helena's and her organisation's various attacks on others' rights, we on the net have no intention of interfering with their free speech. Here's an article by for a Scientology propaganda organ.
If you enjoy this page, tell Helena. Better still, think about the people for whom this is a lot more than a joke: the people who are facing frivolous lawsuits from Helena and the other Scientology lawyers. Several of them are in real need of funds or legal assistance: see the Litigation FAQ for more details.
If you've enjoyed this page and you want more Helena satire and facts, take a look at the Heleva Kobra page.
The mockery that has made of herself serves as a warning of the absurdity of handing over your life and your decisions to Scientology, or to any cult belief system.
Full Name: Helena Kempner Kobrin
Born: 27 April 1948
B.A., Hofstra University
J.D., Seton Hall University
One of 's classmates from that time at Seton Hall has exposed the fact that was once a "copyright terrorist" herself.Admitted to the Bar: 1978
"It's the Mo' & 'Ho Show! Two Crazy Lawyers! One Crazy Client!"- Feadog (firstname.lastname@example.org)Husband: Michael D. Kobrin, born 4 May 1947. (More on Michael Kobrin here.)
An anonymous investigator has dug up a wealth of information about the background of the Kobrins and the Moxons, which, if it can be relied upon, reveals financial trouble and shady business dealing. Take a look at the Kobrin/Moxon file.
Finally, a useful tip. If you are in the business of annoying powerful litigous organisations, try this simple tactic: refer to your genitals as "my client". I know it sounds a weird suggestion, but you'll find that the whole legal profession becomes hysterically funny, and when you get that threatening letter or e-mail saying, "You have outraged my client. My client demands relief," you will be too busy laughing to cower in fear the way they want you to.
This page was created by Martin
Poulter and is currently hosted by Mike Gormez - feel free to mail your comments.
LYNX USERS: Download the pictures of Helena from this page by clicking here and here.
Thanks to Waa for the cartoon and Arnie for the video still.