The Helena Kobrin Love Page
Mouthpiece for the cult,
Now official Usenet Kook.
'ho of babble-on.
-haiku from
There's lots more Helena Haiku!

"Those are her lips? I thought she was eating raw liver!" -Dennis Erlich
Last update: 22 April 1999
LATEST NEWS: More signs that Helena is being deprived of sleep by her Scientology bosses.

(Helena's Love Letter) Helena Kobrin ( is a lawyer representing the Religious Technology Center, a branch of the Scientology empire. In her job as an indefatigable defender of the "Bridge to Total Freedom", she has touched the lives of many Internet users and become something of a cult figure (ha ha) in alt.religion.scientology and alt.usenet.kooks. In the service of Scientology, she has sent repeated e-mails threatening dozens of netizens with legal action (here's just one example), attempted to eradicate alt.religion.scientology and even threatened legal action against the whole newsgroup!
This page is a tribute to the many welcome (cough) contributions that Helena has made to open communication on the 'net and to the upholding of ethics (cough) in the legal profession. It was created in response to a threat of legal action from Helena against the author, Martin Poulter, and his university. For more background, see Alison Frankel's excellent American Lawyer article from 1996 which cites this page!

Scientologist Greg Ryerson, who knows Helena personally, tells me that he is disgusted by the "indecent" material on this page. Unfortunately, Scientology has not yet achieved its aim of taking over the world, so this is still a free country and satire of public figures is still protected. Sorry, Greg.

Helena gives Dennis Erlich the Scientology "death stare".
Helena tells a few little white lies.
Helena is deprived of sleep.
Helena Helena goes beserk during a deposition, assaulting an opponent and tearing up evidence!
Helena is deprived of sleep again (we think).

Helena's activities often backfire in a disastrous way. By threatening one netizen with legal action, she proved the authenticity of the OT documents, refuting her own side's claim that the documents on the Internet are not the real thing. By taking legal action against Zenon Panoussis in Sweden, she forced the disputed documents into the court record, and hence the public domain, for eternity.

Helena is told where to get off by Grady Ward, henry, Farrell Griffith, Kevan Smith and The Grand Clavister.
Helena admits she doesn't know who J.R. "Bob" Dobbs is!
Helena foolishly dares to confront "Jesse Garon" ...twice!
Helena gets cloned by The Usenet Oracle, B. Weiner, Keith Spurgeon and Troutman.
Helena earns a dubious compliment from Lewiz De Payne.

The most remarkable rebuttal that Helena has received came from another member of her profession, Norwegian lawyer Knut Vigeland. You'll be speechless!
Netizens continue to treat Helena's threats with the contempt they deserve, notably Ex Mudder and the greek journalist Tony Bosnakoudis.

Helena is interviewed by the BBC.
Helena writes to The American Lawyer denying that Scientology exhibits paranoia
Helena writes to the St. Petersburg Times in disgust at an anti-Scientology article.
Helena makes dubious use of a Netcom account.
Helena misleads netizens about the origin of the NOTS documents.

Helena raids an american citizen's house.

Video Still

Helena wins Kook of the Month for August 1995, joining the celebrated ranks of 'net kooks.
Helena is fined for bringing a frivolous lawsuit.
Helena sings her little heart out:

Helena threatens a lawsuit over "Modern Legal Criminal".
Helena almost has a very merry Christmas.
Helena talks jive.
Helena audits a tomato and then breathes fire
Helena gets her own Internet fan club
Helena gets anagrammed.
Helena gets her own television series.

Helena has, in several cases, tried to persuade the owners of internet services, remailers or mail-to-news gateways to block particular messages or particular people. This is analogous to someone who objects to your mail asking the postal service to censor it. Homer Smith, Joe Zippo and Jeff Burchell of the Huge Cajones remailer have each made their responses public.

Helena dares to take on the amazing Grady Ward yet again.
Helena asks a Scientology opponent about clams.
Helena is dismissed from the California Bar. Okay, she hasn't been yet, but if you have received threatening mail from her, you can use this form to lodge a complaint. Specific things you can complain about include the use of unsigned e-mail instead of proper forms of legal service, the distortion and misrepresentation of important facts, such as the results of previous court cases, and the obviously unreasonable demands she makes (such as that people remove Usenet postings "from the Internet").
Alt.religion.scientology participant John M. Esparolini claims in a post made on January 31, 1998 that Helena has been disciplined by the California State Bar Association. If she is disciplined three times, then she can be disbarred.

Despite Helena's and her organisation's various attacks on others' rights, we on the net have no intention of interfering with their free speech. Here's an article by Helena for a Scientology propaganda organ.

If you enjoy this page, tell Helena. Better still, think about the people for whom this is a lot more than a joke: the people who are facing frivolous lawsuits from Helena and the other Scientology lawyers. Several of them are in real need of funds or legal assistance: see the Litigation FAQ for more details.

If you've enjoyed this page and you want more Helena satire and facts, take a look at the Heleva Kobra page.

The mockery that Helena has made of herself serves as a warning of the absurdity of handing over your life and your decisions to Scientology, or to any cult belief system.

Helena Facts:

Anonymous alt.religion.scientology contributors have provided the following information:

Full Name: Helena Kempner Kobrin
Born: 27 April 1948

B.A., Hofstra University
J.D., Seton Hall University

One of Helena's classmates from that time at Seton Hall has exposed the fact that Helena was once a "copyright terrorist" herself.

Admitted to the Bar: 1978
Admitted to the California Bar: 1991
California Bar number is #152546
Business address (as of March 1998): Business phone number: 213-993-4435
"It's the Mo' & 'Ho Show! Two Crazy Lawyers! One Crazy Client!"- Feadog (
Husband: Michael D. Kobrin, born 4 May 1947. (More on Michael Kobrin here.)

An anonymous investigator has dug up a wealth of information about the background of the Kobrins and the Moxons, which, if it can be relied upon, reveals financial trouble and shady business dealing. Take a look at the Kobrin/Moxon file.

Finally, a useful tip. If you are in the business of annoying powerful litigous organisations, try this simple tactic: refer to your genitals as "my client". I know it sounds a weird suggestion, but you'll find that the whole legal profession becomes hysterically funny, and when you get that threatening letter or e-mail saying, "You have outraged my client. My client demands relief," you will be too busy laughing to cower in fear the way they want you to.

This page was created by Martin Poulter and is currently hosted by Mike Gormez - feel free to mail your comments.
LYNX USERS: Download the pictures of Helena from this page by clicking here and here.
Thanks to Waa for the cartoon and Arnie for the video still.