My name is Brian Canup and for 4 years I was a staff member at the Brand Blvd Mission in Glendale, California, USA. For perhaps 2 years of this time I was the primary Course Supervisor. I was trained at Flag before and during the unveiling of the "Golden Age of Tech". After returning I trained as a Purif IC at LA org. My highest attested case level is ARC Straightwire. I routed off (blew in some peoples opinion) in 1998 and have been without connection to the Church since.
Forgive my "Name, rank and serial number" manner of writing, but I know that you would rather not be burdened with extraneous data.
This is the first posting in any internet source that I have ever made regarding my involvement in the CoS. I really don't speak of it to anyone. My mother knows of it and my siblings vaguely, but not even my dearest friends or the woman that I had intended to marry were aware of my past links to the church. To this day, 8 years later, it still pains me to think of the time that I spent in grips of a control so devious and subtle that I fed its power myself.
I write this primarily as a catharsis for myself and a caution to those within Scn or with loved ones inside. It is no surprise to those like myself that prison lingo such as "Inside and "Lifers" has seeped into out collective understanding of Scn. It was once said that the most effiecient prison is that prison which the inmates confine and manage themselves. Scn is such a prison.
I will not relate to you my entire time in a narrative fashion as I am not in a position to be objective. There ARE however certain objective facts that can be stated that, regardless of context, are glaring examples of what my time in Scn was like.
I once received a check for $11 for 2 weeks of more than full time work.
Forget any extenuating circumstances. Forget any thought about the missions CGI. Forget everything and look at the fact in its raw naked form. 2 weeks = $11. To put things in perspective, the person that handed you the last fast food meal you ate made $11 in under 2 hours.
The Mission refused to give my mother a means of reaching me in Clearwater and failed to pass on the information that my step-father had died.
Only a chance call to home alerted my to the fact that my mother was now a widow twice over. My mother had to explain to a 9 and a 6 year old why their father wasn't coming home and had no one to grieve to in the 4 days between his passing and my call. She had called the mission to get the number I could be reached at in Clearwater. She was refused and told that I would be told asap and I would call. Nothing was said to me in those 4 days when I sat staring at an upside-down paper taped to the wall when my mother lie in emotional anguish without a soul to turn to.
I was refused time off to seek medical attention thus aggravating a bronchial infection into pneumonia.
There is truly no way to describe to some who has never had pneumonia just how miserable and painful a serious case can be. When my 1 day a week finally rolled around and I managed to seek medical aid (with a healthy deposit into my bank account by my mother to cover such expenses) the news was dire indeed. After x-rays were taken the doctor informed me that in 14 years of practice he had not seen such an advanced case of pneumonia in a person that wasn't wheeled in riding a gurney. My right lung was 1/2 filled with fluid and my left was 3/4 full. I asked him just how serious that was. His response chills my even now. "2, maybe 3 more days and you'd more than likely have asphyxiated in your sleep". I did not find death very agreeable then and certainly don't now and it is undenieable that the missions inflexibility and Scn wariness of medical doctors came within 72 hours of putting me in the ground.
I was told in no uncertain terms to break up with my girlfriend, Denise because she was enturbulating my 2-D.
Things are different now and my realtionship with Denise has gone the way of the dodo, but I will not soon forget that day in the Ethics offics when the E/O told me, "That girl is causing you to have case on post and you are going to need to break up with her." Though things later soured between her and I, I will never forget how my love for her and her for me was one of the main drives for me to break away from Scn.
Those are but a few of the objective things that I can bring to light that I experienced in my time as a super at the Brand Blvd Mission (now Downtown Glendale mission or something similiar).
But it is in the subjective that the real pain and sorrow lies. I'm sure that all of you have in some way felt the isolation that I felt. Many more so than me I am sure. You'll note that my username is Losttime. I chose that because that is what I feel best describes the time I spent in Scn, lost time. At the time of this writing my 30th birthday looms not 9 shorts months away. But I act and view myself as if I were 25; those 4 years spent lying to the willing and stealing ketchup packets to make homemade tomato soup.
These next few comments will make no sense to you, the reader, unless of course you are the person to whom they are directed. Many of you would wish to make a desperate plea to those still inside that they evaluate their situation and know that you love them inside or out and that when they are ready you'll be there with an open hand to guide them into the glowing world of freedom. That is why I write to:
Roger Hendricks, my dearest friend for those 4 long years. I recently learned of your joining the Sea org. I can only hope that the brief conversation we had on the phone 2 weeks or so before you joined aren't the last time we talk. You were there for me when all was bleak on the inside. If you are ever on the outside I do all I can to repay that debt.
Kim Balecha, a beuatiful and vibrant woman who I hope holds onto her individuality with all her might. If by some miracle you read this, know that your collegiate dreams needn't die in vain. Though I know, firsthand, that being a 29 year-old Sophomore is pretty horrible it isn't too late for you to get off staff and learn to do what truly makes you happy.
And lastly, Jeff Cobb. My friend I know that life has dealt you a losing hand. Through personal and financial setbacks you keep plodding on, refusing to give up. I know that your world is bleak at times and you feel like all is lost. If Scn is ever a thing of the past for you and you need a friend you has your back in the real world then you have him here.
That goes for all the rest of you that have read through my long-winding post. My Inbox will always be open for those that need an ear or just a smile to help them transition to this boundless outside world.
Some of you have demonstrated more courage than I would ever have thought 1 person capable of. For those that are on the fence, I hope this post holds a lantern up the the dark, outside world; showing that IT is the way out of Scn's cell of concrete lies.
Your's
Brian
Posted on 9 February 2005 to Operation Clambake Forum