All of them, those in power, and those who want the power, would pamper us, if we agreed to overlook their crookedness by wilfully restricting our activities.
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1. Scientologist doctors recommend that all thetans who want to be clear and disease free undergo a regimen of proper auditing and constant expulsion of liquid assets of at least $300,000 in order to drain completely their minds (and bank accounts).
2. A Tribble is a thetan that seeks to obtain OT III level status by foregoing shaving. Notable tribbles who have donned beards include Nancy Cartwright (voice of Bart Simpson), Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
3. Xenu is the name given for the cruel galactic ruler who banished thetans to earth some 75 million years ago. His anger was fueled in part because his parents favored his younger brother Zima's clear behavior.
4. L. Ron Hubbard wrote Dianetics during prolonged periods of isolation when Mother Hubbard forced him to sleep in a bare cupboard.
5. Despite what the National Mental Health Association says, Scientologists were NOT distributing booklets at Ground Zero. They were passing out pamphlets. Are we all clear now?
6. Scientologists can only watch porn videos if they contain multiple money shots.
7. The origin of the WWJD phenomenon was the Scientology acronym WWRD or "Who Would Ron Destroy?" Scientologist leaders deploy this acronym whenever they need to tap into their late leader's discernment powers so they can assess the most appropriate method of attacking a traitor or critic of the movement.
8. Christ was a myth fabricated by space aliens to deceive Man from realizing his true nature. In reality, he was a cabbie in Nazareth (Operating Thetan VIII).
9. Despite the claims of the U.S. Government, L. Ron Hubbard was not an embarrassment to the U.S. Navy. He never dropped anti-submarine torpedoes on an empty piece of ocean, and did not conduct target practice on a stretch of land that turned out to be Mexico.
10. Scientology is the No. 1 religion in the world, as it holds the current world record for filing more lawsuits in one single day than many churches have filed in their entire histories.
11. Not even constant auditing can guarantee the resurrection of Kirstie Alley, Juliette Lewis, and Mimi Rogers's acting careers.
12. Scientology receives "only" the same tax-exempt status as any other religion. The IRS granted this exemption after church leaders agreed to contribute unlimited auditing services.