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Loser: Who needs the truth when you've got the L. Ron Hubbard Study Bible and Apologetics Handbook!

Title: Loser: Who needs the truth when you've got the L. Ron Hubbard Study Bible and Apologetics Handbook!
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We were surprised but flattered the other day when a phone call reached our office from L. Ron Hubbard, the secretive and rarely seen founder of Scientology who reportedly died in 1986.

He had a problem he felt only we could solve. You see, he said in recent years things had been looking up for the group. The Clinton administration had given the church back its non-profit tax exempt status (which it lost in the 1970s when a group of the church's leaders were convicted of burglarizing the IRS headquarters). And it had taken over its former enemy, the Cult Awareness Network, a few years ago. But now the tide was turning against them. One of the church's chief critics, attorney Graham E. Berry, had petitioned U.S. Atty. Gen. John Ashcroft to bring a racketeering charge against the church as a terrorist group. And the church's copyrighted secret scriptures, which adherents were required to pay $400,000 to study, had been entered as evidence in a lawsuit and were now published for all to see on the Internet.

And sadly, in its international quest for legitimacy as a church, Scientology was meeting with skepticism and resistance at every turn, he said. The governments of Germany, Belgium and Spain consider the church a dangerous cult. Despite constant lawsuits brought against its critics, publicity from celebrities like Tom Cruise and John Travolta and millions of copies of Hubbard's book Dianetics filling used book stores around the country, Scientology had still failed to persuade the public to accept the existence of a religion that resembles bad science fiction and is based on an electronic appliance, the E-Meter.

We immediately put our heads together—which in itself produced a whopping crackle of static electricity—and came up with a solution. Scientology needs an outward symbol, we all agreed, a religious talisman denoting the power and truth of its claims.

What Scientology lacks is what every Christian denomination has—its own study Bible. With an L. Ron Hubbard Study Bible and Apologetics Handbook, supporters will get the hermenuetical upper hand on their critics, maintain a firm grasp on their sacred writings and bring badly needed clarity to their belief system.

(So you can gauge the extent of the difficulty—Scientologists believe that most human problems can be traced to lingering spirits of an extraterrestrial people massacred by their ruler, Xenu, over 75 million years ago. These spirits attach themselves by "clusters" to individuals in the contemporary world, causing spiritual harm and negatively influencing the lives of their hosts).

With words like "volt" and "ohm" defined in its glossary of religious terms, Scientology believers need lots of help making that big leap of faith.

In the spirit of Scientology's pricing structure, we suggest the church charge its followers $250,000 for this manual. But we offer our suggestions, free and clear, to Door readers.



In itself, the E-Meter does nothing.

—A disclaimer printed in many Scientology publications.


L. Ron Hubbard stood on the shoulders of giants—from Ben Franklin to Thomas Edison—in his discovery of the true purpose of electricity. The E-Meter may look like a simple voltage meter, but its measurement of tonal disfunction and engram identification can, in the hands of a licensed practitioner, be the key to spiritual freedom for troubled seekers. And, it can power your tabletop model racecar track or double as a nifty candy dispenser when not in service to the higher good.



Taxes exist only to destroy business. Be impudent. Get rich and to hell with them. Governments are just a reactive bank we have to live with for a while.

—Hubbard Communications Office Policy Letter, Jan. 28, 1965


As a prolegomena to the healthy church-state relations that Hubbard promoted all through his ministry, these words recall the saying of Jesus, "Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's and unto God that which is God's." Money, indeed, becomes the root of all evil... if it's taken away from you. Besides, in December of 2000, in a letter of "warm greetings," former President Bill Clinton thanked Scientologists for "all your efforts to promote [religious freedom] and to build just communities united in understanding, compassion and mutual respect." That's got to count for something, right?



Better than 90 percent of what my father has written about himself is untrue... My father used to mix phenobarbital with bubble gum and give it to me and my sister—I remember the darn stuff was very bitter. Then he would tell us stories, great stories, but I could never remember him finishing a lot of them. He would feed us bubble gum, and then try to put us in hypnotic trances in order to create what he called a 'moonchild.'

He had one of those insane things, especially during the '30s, of trying to invoke the devil for power and practices. My mother told me about him trying out all kinds of various incantations, drugs and hypnosis...His initials for it were PDH—pain, drugs, hypnosis. The use of PDH, coupled with black magic, was an effective for brainwashing or mind control. You'll see throughout early Scientology literature, 'PDH.'

The book Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health supposedly documents the results of intensive research on roughly 280 case histories. But "all were subcreated by Dad. None of them were case histories." "Remember this basic thing—it's a money-and-power game, period. It's who's got all the money, who can step on whom to climb up higher, who can control the most number of people ... .

—From an interview with L. Ron Hubbard Jr., (Hubbard's son, who has changed his last name to DeWolfe) by Dennis Wheeler in the Santa Rosa, Calif., News-Herald, July 7-13, 1982.


Obviously garbled in translation, these passages seem to suggest the dynamic tension between father and son that leads to creativity. We shouldn't be surprised that the elder Hubbard created stories, fiction ... call them lies or what have you. This after all was the genius that produced Battlefield Earth and other novels of fiction. Besides, do you believe some guy who would disguise his identity with an ALIAS?



It doesn't give me displeasure to hear of a virgin being raped. The lot of women is to be fornicated."

—From Hubbard's personal archive of reflections and writings, read into the record in Scientology v. Armstrong, Los Angeles Superior Court, Case No. C 420153 in 1984.

Children are expensive inconveniences who interfere with production.

—L. Ron Hubbard, date unknown.

Clearing one member of a family of aberrees is seldom enough to resolve the problems of that family. If the husband has been aberrated, he will have aberrated or restimulated his wife and children in one way or another, even when he used no physical violence upon them. The parents implant their mutual aberrations in the children and the children, being potentially self-determined units, revolt back to stir up the aberrations of the parents. In that so many of these aberrations, by contagion, have become mutual and held in common with the whole family, the happiness of the family is severely undermined."

—Dianetics 200-201


Scientologist families at the national organization headquarters live in clean, affordable housing, their spouses oftentimes live nearby, their children are housed in "cadet" apartments in close proximity, and they all get to visit each other on weekends. What more can a family ask?



I believed in Satanism. There was no other religion in the house! Scientology and black magic. What a lot of people don't realize is that Scientology is black magic that is just spread out over a long time period. To perform black magic generally takes a few hours or, at most, a few weeks. But in Scientology it's stretched out over a lifetime, and so you don't see it. Black magic is the inner core of Scientology, and it is probably the only part of Scientology that really works. Also, you've got to realize that my father did not worship Satan. He thought he was Satan. He was one with Satan. He had a direct pipeline of communication and power with him. My father wouldn't have worshiped anything. I mean, when you think you're the most powerful being in the universe, you have no respect for anything, let alone worship.

—Penthouse interview with L. Ron Hubbard Jr. (now L. Ron DeWolfe), June 1983.


When evaluating statements by Hubbard's son, reflect for a minute on evangelist William Murray, son of the late atheist leader Madalyn Murray O'Hair; or Franklin Graham, the motorcycle-riding son of evangelist Billy Graham; or even Ron Reagan, the ballet-dancing offspring of Ronald Reagan. Youthful rebellion knows no limits. But it's generally just a phase. And I don't know about you, but I don't read Penthouse for the articles.



The man on the cross ... there was no Christ. The man on the cross is known as everyman."

—From a recorded address, PDC Lecture 35 The DEI Scale 11 Dec. 1952 by L. Ron Hubbard, posted at

......and the Christ legend is an implant in pcs a million years ago."
[EDITOR'S NOTE: An implant is a electronically assisted brainwashing that Hubbard said happens to people before this life at various times. And "pcs" is short for "pre-clears," what Scientology calls those who are receiving "auditing" with an E-Meter but have not yet attained the state of "Clear"]

—L. Ron Hubbard, Professional Auditor's Bulletin #31, PABS Book 2, on Page 26.

During this False Data Stripping and religious deprogramming, Plaintiff asked Defendant Lieutenant Rathbun repeatedly if he could be misunderstanding Hubbard's and RTC's intent as Plaintiff stated that he could not believe that, in order to be able to continue in Scientology, he would have to renounce his 'other' Christian religious faith. Defendant was told that he had not misunderstood and that anyone practicing any kind of 'other' religious faith would be shunned and ineligible to continue in Scientology as it was considered an 'illegal other practices' under RTC policies. Plaintiff asked Lieutenant Rathbun if Plaintiff's Jewish friends would also have to give up their Jewish faith and was told that they were not permitted to practice Judaism and only permitted to describe themselves as Jewish as part of the Scientology enterprise's religious front."

—From a 1998 complaint, Michael Pattison v. Church of Scientology in California District Court, Central District.


These statements should in no way keep Christians from exploring the benefits of Scientology's Bridge to Total Freedom through auditing. Although Scientology is not a "turn-the-other-cheek" religion, we love the J-man's chutzpa. We're not sure how he cast out the cluster of body Thetans into that herd of swine without an E-Meter, but it was a neat trick. And with all he went through, he's probably Clear. OK?



... in any command of mine, you can wear horns and grow a tail if you do your job. If you don't do your job, you can't even think sideways without getting disciplined, transferred or demoted."

—Flag Order 4, Aug. 13, 1967, by L. Ron Hubbard.

In short, a staff member can get away with murder so long as his statistic is up, and can't sneeze without a chop if it's down. To do otherwise is to permit some suppressive person to simply Ethics chit every producer in the org out of existence."

—HCOPL, Sept. 1, 1965, Ethics Protection, by L. Ron Hubbard.


As you can see, Hubbard had a deep sense of ethics. It was just different from everyone else's on the planet. And isn't that the kind of moral entrepreneurship that allows a person of genius to make his mark on history? We think it's as plain as the smile on Tom Cruise's face.



The DEFENSE of anything is UNTENABLE. The only way to defend anything is to attack ... it is an entirely moral duty to be punitive against strangers and outsiders who would stop the progress of this [Scientology] civilization."

mid-March 1955, L. Ron Hubbard.

People attack Scientology: I never forget it, always even the score... Overt investigation of someone or something attacking us by an outside detective agency should be done more often and hang the expense... Hire them and damn the costs when you need to... There are men dead because they attacked us."

—Manual of Justice, L. Ron Hubbard.

The purpose of the suit is to harass and discourage rather than to win. The law can be used very easily to harass, and enough harassment on somebody who is simply on the thin edge anyway, well knowing that he is not authorized, would generally be sufficient to cause his professional decease. If possible, of course, ruin utterly."

—The Scientologist, a Manual of Dissemination of Material, 1955.


The genuine love for humankind expressed by L. Ron Hubbard shouldn't be obfuscated by misunderstanding the tenor of these remarks. There's nothing different here than what the Christian Church has considered its role in defending the faith against heretics or infidels through the ages. It's in the best interests of the Clears to round up and lock away any aberrent persons who refuse to submit to our cure. No Operating Thetan worth his salt could do any differently.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The light-hearted humor article above in no way represents disbelief in Scientology's fine humanitarian work, its status as a bona fide religion or its potency as a litigation machine. It's just a little comedy piece we found in our mailbox. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. ... . Ha.]

—Jim Wallis, Editor, The Door Magazine, 4372 Walsh St., Indianapolis, Mo. 75287.